It's time for TOTAL WAR -- but first, to get caught up on some other events in the world of wrestling:
I gave Randy a hard time for his poor performance on the last show, but
he was entirely reasonable and understanding about it. This means he is
a complete pushover and I will be able to bully him even more.
I felt bad about the strain I would be putting on married couples by
having their valets come out to work in Russia, so I'm glad that this
divorce means that is no longer a concern, at least for 'Svetlana.'
And now, live from Moscow, Russia, it's the long-awaited sequel to War and Peace... it's WAR AND PEACE 2: TOTAL WAR!
The fake Russian being publicly fired as a display of dominance tonight
will be Canada's Boris Kruschevv. Congratulations, Boris! Get the ****
out of my locker room!
A crowd of 350 fans who have only just heard of pro wrestling two weeks
ago and came for free (maybe half the people from the last show brought
a friend?) are here to see a huge six-match card that will go down in
history as one of the wrestling shows that took place in January of
1992. Let's begin!
Lord Steven Regal and Dave Finlay come to the ring. Regal runs down the
crowd as being a bunch of drunken peasants and thugs. He says that
compared to them, Finlay is actually good company. Finlay grabs the
microphone and says they'll take on anyone from the Russian side. The
crowd again doesn't understand a word they're saying but unlike the
Terry Funk segments from last week, this doesn't go over as well.
Vladimir Berkovich and Igor Komylkov come down to the ring to face
Regal and Finlay. In a great match, Regal beats Berkovich with the
Regal-plex.
El Cosmonauta faces the returning Gama Singh and defeats him in 12:53 with a brainbuster. The match is good, but has no heat.
Volk Han comes out and whips Randy Hogan in 5:37. Surprisingly, Volk
Han is able to carry him to a decent match. Maybe I won't yell at him
after the show.
The show is interrupted by Terry Funk. He still wants a match with
Salman Hashimikov and doesn't care what he has to do to disrupt the show
-- he'll tear down the ring if he has to, he just wants Hashimikov to
come out to face him. Hashimikov comes out and, despite the language
barrier, makes it clear that he is already scheduled to face Ice Train
in the main event. Funk tells him he's putting himself in the main event
and that Hashimikov should find a partner for later.
This is followed by Grom Zaza vs Siva Afi. The wrestling is bad and
there is no heat. I've found my scapegoats for the post-show speech.
Andrei Kopylov and Grigory Verichev face Jado and Gedo next. Verichev
hits his judo throw on Jado in 13:18 for the victory in a decent match
that sets the table for our main event...
In an epic main event, Salman Hashimikov and Victor Zangiev take on
Terry Funk and Ice Train. Hashimikov finally gets Terry Funk to tap out
at 30:30.
Moments after the bell, Ice Train hits the ring and lays out Hashimikov
with a chain wrapped around his fist, bloodying him up and knocking him
out. Zangiev tries to make the save but Ice Train chokes him with the
chain as Terry Funk gets on the house mic and once again castigates the
fans and swears revenge on Salman Hashimikov for humiliating him tonight
-- this isn't over! The crowd doesn't understand a word he's saying but
they're sufficiently agitated.
Grom Zaza and Siva Afi weren't bothered by me repeatedly insulting them post-show.
Join us next month when ЧРР returns for the most anticipated trilogy in
Russian pro wrestling history -- it's WAR AND PEACE III: NAPOLEON'S
REVENGE.
